yo quiero Christine Dougherty…

……..
She ain’t no Subway Jared. And that’s probably why I have a crush on her. I might even check out Taco Bell, the environs of which I haven’t visited since other fast food establishments became established between my established residence and the afore established Taco Bell, now firmly reestablished in the gray matter nexus that connects various of my body parts with various of my appetites and passions. Me and a lot more of whom I am typical might check it out.

This is a masterful campaign whether by design or accident. Surely we lean more toward the design scenario. Our cynicism feeds on the possible calculated approaches experimented, inflicted upon focus groups, studied, pitched, rejected off-hand by clueless suits who somehow obtained executive status when more deserving of executed status. You know the kind. And you can be sure they’ll take more than their share of the credit for whatever brilliance falls from this refreshing wind of success. Again, you can be sure rather than holding themselves accountable, they’ll deflect and pass on whatever responsibility bodes sour, an act that only heightens the bitterness of the less enlightened, or should we say untainted or otherwise naive coworkers, team members, associates or whatever corporate jargon of the day describes unto warm-fuzziness the job that is the cat’s to be kicked. Meow.

In a few more minutes Christine Dougherty will be a name commonly thrown around household conversations. It’s a good Irish name. All Irish names are good. But this one is particularly good. It invokes the name of Christ. And it invokes the image of a daughter to those of us mildly dyslexic. It also invokes the image of this totally hot lady who lost 54 pounds in two years by favoring Taco Bell’s Fresco menu. Oh, and the fresco association doesn’t hurt, especially when Christine’s bikini pose gets burned into your memory cells, leaving the fresco extension within easy grasp of the weakest imagination.

So, what am I supposed to think? Tell me, please. Tell me without telling me. That’s what you do, isn’t it? But you’ll never tell me what you’ve told me. I’ll save you the trouble. I’m supposed to think that if I favor the Fresco menu at Taco Bell I can get skinny and sexy, even if I never have been…. No? Okay. I’m supposed to think this Christine chick will really dig me if I eat the same food that helped her get skinny. Maybe she will fall for me, really dig me. We’ll have a relationship, or not. We’ll have lots of sex, the kind skinny sexy people have. Our skinny sexy genes will combine to form children who will grow up to be skinny and sexy and favor the Fresco menu at Taco Bell. And she will not lose her skinny and sexy form during or after the multiple pregnancies because of the lovely Fresco menu at Taco Bell.

Christine is waiting for me at Taco Bell. This is what I think, whether this is what I am supposed to think or not. Oh, the Christine waiting for me at Taco Bell doesn’t have to be the Christine. She could be any Christine. Or not. Not Christine is fine as long as she is like Christine. We like Christine. We want our women to be like Christine. And this is where we come dangerously close to defining, presenting, articulating, demonstrating and even understanding the concept of the Sacred Clone. We want to be like this certain image, unreal or unimagined, real or imagined, take your pick. They are all alike, just like everybody else.  Or not. Or the opposite of not. Or not.

Or not cannot be overemphasized. Or not, itself, emphasizes or at least acknowledges the possibility of other possibilities. Such alternative possibilities default to only the most positive images imaginable, whether imagined intentionally… or not, presenting a single-sided moebius. In no case does or not mean not staying skinny and sexy.

“Drive-Thru Diet®” makes me think remaining skinny and sexy is hardly an option. And it’s hardly an effort. Hence: Drive-Thru Diet. Yes. It is a registered trademark, those three words. And they are their own domain name, also registered and by now heavily trafficked. Especially the bikini pose… as if you actually read this far before you checked it out!

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