all you can eat at P’rader Willies’

Just when you thought menu portions were getting smaller and their prices were getting higher, a new all-you-can-eat restaurant opens its doors¹ to the public.

At P’rader Willie’s Restaurant, one price fits all for an all-day, all-you-can-eat buffet.

“You pay when you walk in the doors,” says Willie LaPrada, proprietor and host of the establishment that bears his name, or nickname. “A hunnered dollars gets you in for the day. One, thin, one hundred dollar bill in the morning, per person. We’re talkin’ three square meals for well-rounded folks with an appetite to match!”

The good news is that customers can come and go as many times as they like during a single day “as long as it’s no more than three times,” LaPrada points out. “We suggest you get here in the morning, start a breakfast and come back for the other two meals.”

“So far, business has been better than we first projected,” said the company’s V.P. of Operations, Adrien Fry. “We underestimated the number of parking spaces we would need during peak business hours. But we contracted with the fitness center next door to use some of their parking spaces. They don’t get all at much business and so they’re seeing a lot more heavy traffic than they are used to.”

“It’s an interesting business model and a fascinating concept,” says Don Clamp, Director of Marketing for Blinkerman Multinational, the world’s largest multi-chain restaurant corporation. “We give it three more weeks before they run out of business. You just can’t be that generous without people eating you out of house and home.”

“Well, that’s a big, fat lie,” insists LaPrada. “We’ve got it all figured out with our fancy spread sheets and calculations and everything. So, he don’t need to worry about us running out of business. Clamp just needs to worry about keeping his own job, is all. That’s his problem.”

LaPrada got the idea when he went on a honeymoon cruise with his fourth wife. He’d never been on a cruise ship and didn’t realize that the price of meals was included.

“I kept on looking for the cashier or waiting for somebody to bring us a bill or something! I was starting to get all nervous. Finally I asked one of them fellers with the hats what I was supposed to do and he set me straight. But, lawdy! That was some of the best eatin’ I ever did do.”

LaPrada went on to explain how he would hear laughter from the kitchen area that would stop as soon as he would walk around the corner. His bride filed for a marriage annulment as soon as the couple got back to port.

1. both at the same time [↩]